What the Internet wants in 2026

Hey, it’s me, your Internet.

Every January, you make resolutions. Drink more water. Join a gym. Stop using the same three passwords for everything. Well, I want to make some resolutions this year.

After years of buffering wheels, dropped Zoom calls, mystery outages, and the emotional damage of hearing “Can you hear me now?” one too many times, I need a fresh start. So here’s my 2026 resolutions.

1. Less buffering

I’m tired of coming up short during your big moments. Stalling out during interviews, freeze on game-winning plays, or vanishing right before you click Submit. In 2026, I’m resolving to stop carrying the emotional baggage of outdated plans, overcrowded networks, and excuses that aren’t mine. 

2. Finally leave that toxic ISP

I’ve been bundled. I’ve been upsold. I’ve been told I needed things I never asked for. In 2026, I’m choosing independence. No forced add-ons. No legacy baggage. Just a clean connection that lets me be myself.

Your ISP can keep the drama. I’m taking space.

3. Reach my full bandwidth potential

I can handle big ideas and questionable ones. I want to deliver your genius. And your uncle’s barbershop vlog. Simultaneously. Without breaking a sweat. In 2026, I’m done being underutilized by infrastructure that can’t keep up.

4. To just work

Your ISP loves to talk about peak speeds. I’d rather quietly deliver them. No nightly slowdowns. No prime-time meltdowns. No sudden personality changes at 8 p.m. In 2026, my goal is simple: steady, grown-up speed that doesn’t need disclaimers.

5. Be more than a doomscroll buddy

I’ve got spreadsheets to sync. Conspiracy podcasts to start. Sword tutorials to stream. DIY gorditas to master. In 2026, I want to help you make things again, not just endlessly refresh them.

The Internet’s 2026 resolutions

I’m not asking for much. Just fewer limits, less fine print, and a setup that lets me do what I’ve always done best: help you live online without thinking about me at all.

That’s my resolution.

— Your Internet